The depth's of my mind

Oh Bother

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Thursday, December 13, 2001
 
Emotions suck,..................if there's one thing I miss most about drugs,.....its being able to have some sort of control over how you feel,............(depressed),...no prob,......a little pill will solve that problem,......want to forget,.....hmmm.........snorting a little something will fix that as well,.........the problem is the feelings do catch up to you,.....and are only compounded the more you put them off,...instead of dealing with them,.......not to mention the whole "living in a fantasy world thing..hehe" But now hear I am feeling like shit,......wishing I could get out of my body,..if only for a few hours and leave all the shit life throws at ya here on the ground.
I see about a thousand different faces everyday at work,..............and find myself getting more and more agetated with every shift,...........the arrogance,....cockiness,......jerks,....assholes,.....idiots............I know I can't change other people,.....but fuck,.......it drives me crazy why these people have as much as they do,..........kick ass car,.....money up there fuck'n ass,............arm groped around there "girl",.......and look at ya like your a piece of shit. I really get fed up with the world at times,............would it ever be nice if life was fair........hmmm....what a concept. Most of these people probubly don't even know half of what life entails,............the big picture that is,.......what ever it may be.
I really wanna get high right now.
Anyway,......back to the whole dealing with emotions,..............I know I can't run from them anymore.
Embrace my desire to swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human......................


Thursday, December 06, 2001
 
Think for yourself,...........hmmm.......quite the concept,.......I find it almost impossible to make a decision for myself without bringing in outside influences,..........I heard it put once that to think for your self you must question athority,...........which once brought to my attention,....makes incredible sense,........throughout human history,.....man has been plauged with the terrifying fact that we do not know who we are,...or where we are going in this ocean of chaos,...........it has always been the authorities,...political,..and religious,..who attempt to comfort us,....by giving us order,...rules,...regulations,....forming in our minds THIER views of reality,.........ie,...to think for yourself you must question athority,......and put yourself in a state of vulnerability. .
With myself having little or no faith at all,...............I have a lot to figure out about the world around me,.....and how I choose to be a part of it

Monday, December 03, 2001
 
Hmmm........monday night,...start of a new week,.........though.......all the days have seemed identical lately,....today does feel different. Being in a rather restricting relationship for the last while,.......I somewhat felt like a caged animal at times,........though I had direction in my life,......it wasn't my own. Being on my own the last month or so,.......I've been in a bewildered stagnant state,........feeling lost in my own head. However unlike most of my life, tonight I'm not dreading the rise of the sun in the morning,....but yet eager for it to arrive. There's sooooooo much in life I've wanted to experiece,...but have felt restrained,......or worried about the reactions of others,.........as stupid as it sounds,....I now feel free to do what ever I want without the guilt of caring what other people think,........my phrase for the past week has been "fuck them". My sole reason for existense on this rock for the past 23 years has been to please other people,.........and I'm somewhat fed up.